Welcome to the Course!

Books you have been asked to purchase:

Books mentioned but you are not asked to purchase: (they are mentioned for proper citation and copyright for educational purposes).

You will also want a notebook or something to keep notes in as you make personal goals. Goals should be personal, observable, and measurable.

We also want to challenge you in this journal you are starting for class to begin a daily gratitude journal.

Class Document including study guide and questions

Orientation: The following video explains the reason for the changes in reading and workbook

Orientation Video

The ‘Why’:

If you have been listening to our podcast recently, you have heard that we are huge fans and believers in the LifeModel. As you may know or have experienced, very few things in the Christian marketplace for self-help or marriage apply to marriage for NeuroDiverse Christian Couples.

Thanks for the Feedback as well as Difficult Conversations were introduced to Dr. Holmes when working on her Master’s Certification in Communication and Conflict Resolution.

Thanks for the Feedback: Many studies for many years focused on how to give feedback in a way that it can be better received. However, no matter how wonderfully or well-intentioned you give feedback, there are many things going on for the receiver! This book is to help YOU manage your triggers and reactions to feedback to be a better receiver of feedback. Feedback is the most basic skill needed for relationships, receiving coaching/counseling, and the workplace. You will examine whether you have a fixed or growth mindset and your own triggers that get in the way of feedback. After this course we suggest you get the companion book, Thank God for the Feedback which may need a coach or counselor to help you work through.

Goals:

As you read the feedback book, you are asked to write down per chapter a goal that applies to YOU not your spouse or marriage for discussion in class. Keep this in your journal.

To prepare for discussion, write down 3-4 summary sentences of the chapter, a new insight or poignant piece of information and personal action goal that may start like this:

Ex. In chapter 1, I learned about the triggers and that I am most triggered by identity triggers especially any feedback about being a spouse or parent.

By the end of the book, you will have 12-13 goals for yourself with action points to consider for your contribution to the feedback cycle you are currently in. While Nd marriage issues are rarely 50-50, they are never 100-0 on contribution to the cycle. Even if your contribution in your mind is 1-2%, how will you minimize your impact and contribute in a more positive way to better communication.

When we taught this course before, we used Relational Skills in the Bible by the Courseys, but since recording the videos have changed the workbook to the workbook with the Feedback Back.

If you want to pursue more from Relational Skills- Those are found here: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLPuz2DrX-jX2fIcWqlJD00gGabw3Sjh6K

We will add some practice videos of scripts and tools from Emotionally Healthy Relationships.

Homework/Prepping for Class:

Each week come to the site to see what videos, podcasts and chapters are needed to prepare for the course this week.

You can expect chapters in each book, workbook pages to complete and a teaching course from Holmes & Homes as a podcast or YouTube.
You will have questions outlined that will be discussed in your group for men and women, the course outline and homework are the same. The discussion time is what you make of it! Many have asked for discussion questions ahead of time to formulate their questions and answers in class.
Group identity and group accountability are KEY to change and spiritual formation. Showing up as passive observer has rarely helped anyone achieve change only knowledge. New information remains knowledge; application and practice change that knowledge into wisdom.
Homework assigned per session is to be read or completed BEFORE that session.

About LifeModel Videos:

Please watch the LifeModel video which is the foundation of Wilder and Coursey’s work.

This is a 16-minute video about LifeModel Works.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gOcc2QJ0tTg

Session 1

Hopefully you watched the Orientation Video- if not, please do.

Reading:

Thanks for the Feedback (Thanks for the Feedback): Introduction and Chapter 1

Workbook: Read Pages 1-6 & 15-21

Video- Stephanie & Dan: https://youtu.be/mq5kqDlmYSo

Additional Learning Materials:

Podcast: Are you in your right mind? https://www.spreaker.com/user/mhnrnetwork/are-you-in-your-right-mind

Video by Heen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uwB8z-csSHM

Context: In a longer video, she gives an example of being on an airplane and the middle seat person leans over and adjusts the window shade, and she asks what reactions may be triggered and why? While this is a silly example, it is about looking at yourself and what gets tripped up for you. You may think status has nothing to do with marriage but if you have been taught headship means final authority and entitlement, then status will be a trigger for you Video Lesson by Stephanie and Dan

In reading Chapter 1 of the Thanks for the Feedback book, what is your personal action goal? (Please be prepared to share it with the group.)
What is one thing you are convicted of, or that you need to learn or apply from this chapter? What did you learn about yourself?
Are you in your right or left brain most of the time? What is your struggle in being right-brained or relational right now in your relationship?
Is there Trauma A or B in your relationship? (Refer to the definitions provided by Wilder and Coursey.)

One cannot build joy or change fear bonds if there is trauma. Let’s define Trauma A and B (Wilder and Coursey). Trauma A: think “a” for absent. Trauma “b’ think b for bad things or negative things in the marriage. According to Wilder in Joy Starts Here, and Coursey in 4 Habits of Joy-filled people: Trauma A: The absence of necessary good things in life and relationships. Type A trauma looks like neglect, rejection, abdication of responsibility, disconnection, lack of intimacy, abandonment, insecure relationship bonds, and lack of low joy and hesed in the home. (Hesed- Hebrew for being “for’ someone or believing someone is “for” you). Type B trauma are the bad things that exceed capacity and includes all form of abuse (sexual, financial control, verbal, psychological, spiritual, gaslighting etc.)

Not only does abuse damage relationships but also damages personal identity. What makes something trauma? The essence of trauma is that it impairs or damages the relationship or relational identity or removes an aspect of our experience from our relational reality. It means something important is missing or something is happening so often it cannot be processed or repaired before another trauma occurs. This is often referred to in ND relationships at OTSD- ongoing traumatic stress; similar to PTSD which comes from 1 major thing; OTS is ongoing and does not appear to ever end or have resolution. Both causes trauma. (More on this later). Where are things in your relationship? Is there trauma? Safety is important to build trust, peace, hope and joy. 4. In the short video by Heen, when you have an identity trigger, what do you think is triggered most? Autonomy/Agency (competency), Appreciation (I expect appreciation but get coaching or evaluation), Role (who is supposed to do what- according to my perspective/belief), Status (position/leadership- equal or over?)

Session 2

Reading: Thanks for the Feedback: Chapters 2 & 3

Workbook: Pages 7-14

Video: Stephanie & Dan: https://youtu.be/ldVvrywIAyA

YouTube: Get past the context of business, and hear the message that feedback and receiving feedback is about growth and change by author: You are as receiver are responsible for how you receive feedback: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FQNbaKkYk_Q

Empathy and Sympathy by Brene Brown: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw

SlideDeck

Podcast: Communication is Key to Connection

https://www.spreaker.com/user/mhnrnetwork/connection-through-communication

Journal/Personal Study and Discussion Questions:

1. In reading chapter 2 and 3 of Thanks for the Feedback book, what is your personal action goal. Please be prepared to share it with the group. What is one thing from each chapter you are convicted of or that you need to learn or apply from this chapter? What did you learn about yourself? This means one for chapter 2 and one for chapter 3.

2. There are 3 main types of feedback. Where do you struggle?

3. How does the self-serving bias impact you? Self-serving bias is defined as our tendency to attribute our success to our own abilities and our failure to external factors.

4. The video speaks about not all feedback that has to be received, but the problem is we start with wrong spotting or proving it false before trying to understand- what is this like for you? Can you separate the who from the what? When you give feedback, do you talk about the behavior or do you assassinate the character of the person?

For example: When you speak this way to me, it hurts me, and I need you to speak to me differently. Character: You always do this; you will never change!

Session 3

Thanks for the Feedback: Chapters 4 & 5

Workbook: pg 23-39

Lesson from Stephanie and Dan: https://youtu.be/mLmH14nJznI

Podcast: Sheila Heen https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nK1dLlz4N9Q

Again, while the context of the book is business oriented, the purpose of the podcast is for you how to be a better feedback receiver?

Pardon the occasional use of the word ‘hell.’

Journal/Personal Study and Discussion

Questions:

In reading chapters 4 and 5 of Thanks for the Feedback book, what is your personal action goal.
Please be prepared to share it with the group.
What is one thing from each chapter you are convicted of or that you need to learn or apply from this chapter?
What did you learn about yourself?
This means one for chapter 4 and one for chapter 5. 11.
What is a takeaway from the podcast Heen did?
Chapter 4 is about blind spots. What feedback do you receive that may indicate a blind spot for you to consider?
Switch tracking is very common. It can be used to deflect or blame shift. The takeaway point is that both people can learn to stop the switch track and treat the new information as a second topic.
Goal: When person 1 (1st speaker) brings to the other, stay on that before switching topic. If speaker 2 has an issue, now is not the time to discuss it.
- For example, spouse 1 comes to the other to discuss a feeling or give feedback about a chore that was done incorrectly or incomplete. A switch track would be if speaker 2 deflected, gave excuses or blame shifted to ‘so do you think you always complete the task, let me tell you about when you did….”
- A simple technique is with a nice and respectful tone: when you are going off track, whoever started the conversation is the switch track spotter- ‘Hey, I think we have switched track, can we finish this and then come back (at some time today) and discuss the point you have made?”
How do you handle the big 6 emotions (Sad, Anxiety/Fear, Despair, Shame, Anger, Disgust? Which one is the biggest struggle for you? Before the next lesson, you will have Dr. Gill’s podcast to understand a little more about attachment.

Session 4

Reading Thanks for the Feedback: Chapter 6

Workbook: pages 51–59

Dan & Stephanie Video: https://youtu.be/kGtPWEU8bOk

Additional Learning:

Attachment Podcasts:

Introduction to Attachment and Relationships
Dr. Gill on Attachment and Injury

When our attachment to each other is insecure and there are unrepaired ruptures, this makes receiving feedback from the party we have insecure attachment to very difficult. This is where Shame can be a problem and unresolved trauma can be part of many present conversations.

Personal Study and Discussion Questions:

In reading chapter 6 of Thanks for the Feedback book, what is your personal action goal.
Please be prepared to share it with the group. What is one thing from each chapter you are convicted of or that you need to learn or apply from this chapter? What did you learn about yourself?
What did you learn or better understand about attachment and how your attachment in your family of origin and attachment with your spouse can be connected?

Podcasts by the Holsclaws & Karl Lehman may be additional resources that are helpful to you.

Session 5

Thanks for the Feedback: Chapter 7

Dan & Stephanie Video: https://youtu.be/j3DPY86a5KY

Workbook:

Yes, we only read Chapter 7; you can still do the workbook pages without Chapter 8

Pgs- 41-49

Additional information for this section

Wilder Podcast: Changing Fear Bonds to Love Bonds Fear Bonds

If you prefer a video, same information on YouTube
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=toPDYyPZVM0

Journal/Personal Study and Discussion Questions:

In reading chapter 7 of Thanks for the Feedback book, what is your personal action goal and be prepared to share it with the group. What is one thing from each chapter you are convicted of or that you need to learn or apply from this chapter?
What did you learn about yourself?
Attachment impacts how we hear feedback and what was modeled, but your wiring, temperament, and emotions impact it as well. What did you learn about you or the differences in you and your spouse?
What insight did you gain or want to discuss from fear bonds to love bonds?

Session 6

Reading Thanks for the Feedback: Chapter 8 & 9

Workbook: Pages 69-77

Dan and Stephanie Video: https://youtu.be/4aWfdeQ5wBI

Additional: Immunity to Change Podcast

Personal Growth and Discussion Questions:

In reading chapters 8 and 9 of Thanks for the Feedback book, what is your personal action and be prepared to share it with the group. What is one thing from each chapter you are convicted of or that you need to learn or apply from this chapter? What did you learn about yourself? This means one for chapter 8 and one for chapter 9.
What is a growth identity? Do you have one? Where are you resistant to change? Do you think changing your behavior or doing something new changes you?
Do you value being right over relationship?

Session 7

Thanks for the Feedback: Chapter 10 & 11

Workbook: pg 61-67

Dan and Stephanie Video: https://youtu.be/voZUS9fBwfU

Additional Podcast on Boundaries and Change and Sorrow

Personal Growth and Discussion Questions:

In reading chapters 10 and 11 of Thanks for the Feedback book, what is your personal action goal. Please be prepared to share it with the group. What is one thing from each chapter you are convicted of or that you need to learn or apply from this chapter? What did you learn about yourself? This means one for chapter 10 and one for chapter
How do you know when to set a boundary about feedback or when someone’s feedback is putting a boundary on you? The boundary cannot be, I choose to never receive feedback. Feedback is not optional in marriage or any relationship.

Session 8

Thanks for the Feedback: Chapter 12; Skim 13

Workbook: None

Dan & Stephanie Video: https://youtu.be/Oq-w4YtQRec

Podcast: Our Interview with Coursey

Personal Growth and Discussion Questions:

In reading chapters 12 and 13 of Thanks for the Feedback book, what is your personal action goal. Please be prepared to share it with the group. What is one thing from each chapter you are convicted of or that you need to learn or apply from this chapter? What did you learn about yourself? Chapter 13 mostly business-related, so chapter 12 goal only.
What key points did you get from Coursey’s interview?
What can you start doing now?

The tool I created from Scazzero’s ladder looks like this

1. Right now the issue on my mind is...

2. I'm anxious or worried or concerned (whichever word you like) in bringing this up to you because...

3. My part in this is

4. My need in this issue

5. My feelings about this are.....

6. What my reaction tells me about me is...

7. This issue is important to me because....

8. What I am willing to do, or not willing to do per our previous agreement is...

9. One thing I can do to improve communication on this issue is...

10. The most important thing I want you to know is

11. I think me being honest about my thoughts and feelings will help our relationship by

12. I hope and look forward to

After the speaker says all 12 things- keep each line 2 sentences or less The listener says and repeats

1. To clarify, what you want me to know is

2. You are feeling

3. And you are willing or not willing to

4. And you hope this helps our relationship by

5. Is that correct

Other listening responses: to continue the conversation

You can add, tell me more about how this made you feel

You can add to help me understand how this impacted you

I want to know what I can do to help our relationship in this matter

If there is a need for repair or an apology? The listener may ask something like what do you need from or what I can do to repair this. The person can give some ideas The listener can say I need to think about these and get back to you so I make an honest commitment or agree on the spot Repeat back the agreement.

First time we will do all 12 before listener responds and if that is too much we can retool next time line by line but we will discuss the process after we do it the first time.

Goals:

Keep it under 30 min

Do not be defensive and explaining

Ladies, keep to the script!

Finally, we recommend our other study you can do as a self-study

Escaping Enemy Mode In the scheme of things, does your marriage glorify God?

We end with our podcast on that topic: https://www.spreaker.com/user/mhnrnetwork/does-your-marriage-glorify-god

To continue your learning you can check out our podcast. https://ndcc-podcast.com

Are you stuck and need some 1 on 1 coaching?

Slide Deck Chapter 6

TFTF CH 7.pptx.pdf